- Today on Wall Street, there are only 2 positions:
- Q. What’s the capital of Iceland?
A. About $3.50
- “I went to buy a toaster — they threw in a free Bank!”
- Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, “Hey, waiter!”
- Q. What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
- Q. What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
- “This Financial Crisis is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
- “Get my broker, Miss Jones.”
“Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?”
- Q. How do you get a broker down from a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
- Q: What’s the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.
- ”President Bush’s response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week”
”Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21.”
- What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari. Box: New Terms for the 2008 market
- CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
- CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
- BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
- VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
- P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER — What my broker has made me.
- STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
- MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
- WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
- PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.